What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
