I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
