dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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