Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
