So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
