Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
