Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
