Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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