I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
