She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize