yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
