He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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