The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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