It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
