your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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