Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
