We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
