I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
