I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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