I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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