i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
