Your dad touched me again.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
