I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
