dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
