yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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