my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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