I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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