well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So much Jack, so little girl.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
