he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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