peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
