just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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