I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
