I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize