My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
