On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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