I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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