finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
