Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
