I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
