Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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