I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
