He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
