i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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