Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
