Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
