dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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