Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
