I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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