Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
