I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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