I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The adults are the big ones right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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