you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
