I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
