i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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